Part 3 of Life and Death Magazine.

HOW TO BE A GURU

1. The first step to being a guru is to obtain authorization from someone who is already a guru. If you do not attend to this formality you may well be ignored. A signed certificate is the usual way to obtain worship and avoid potential disputes as to your authority. The well established "Guru Yoga", in which a student requires a personal Guru in order to progress along the spiritual path is regarded by many as the best system for eliminating all Truth. Any spiritual organization with a history of Truth destruction can be highly recommended, such as The Catholic Church or Tibetan Buddhism, but all religions, large or small, offer a high quality product.

2. Mystery is the most important thing. Don't encourage your students to find answers, and certainly don't feed them too many.

3. You should teach that there are many paths to enlightenment, and that the path of love is the best one. The only other path, the path of thinking, is infinitely more difficult, as well as being insensitive, egotistical, and fallible.

4. Sex is also a popular path to enlightenment, but the guru must be involved to ensure the practise has spiritual significance.

5. You should make it very clear to your students that spiritual practice is especially suitable for women. This will make you very popular with women.

Ask Sally

Dear Sally, I am worried about my fourteen year old son. He is adamant that he wants to be a philosopher when he grows up. When he first got this notion into his head a couple of years ago I assumed it was just a one those silly things adolescents have to go through. But it has become an obsession with him. He seems to think he is "Spock" from Star Treck, or something. Is my son what is called "a megalomaniac". Is it my fault? Most boys his age want to become models, masseurs, musicians, or dress designers - is there anything I can do to set him on the right path? - A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother, it is certainly not your fault. What you are observing is a simple biological phenomenon. A hormone called testosterone begins to course through a boy's veins in higher concentrations at this age, and this deludes the boy into thinking he is either different or better than other people. In older men the testosterone levels fall off and they become much more sensible, mature, and humane. Patience, then, is one solution. Other things you can do include spending more time with him yourself - establish a one-to-one relationship with him. Encourage him to share his feelings, and get him more involved with other people his own age. One thing you must ensure is that your son doesn't spend too much time by himself where he can get wrapped-up in his own thoughts. Solitary thinking can be so unpleasant, and very often destructive. It is every mother's duty to protect her own from themselves. Does he have a girlfriend?

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Dear Sally, My little girl has three crooked teeth. Fortunately they're off to the side of her mouth and you can only get a glimpse of them when she gives a particularly broad smile. I've told her to control herself but she says that she's fourteen now and she can smile however she likes. As a last resort I've forced her into braces. Now she never smiles at all and she never even leaves the house. In fact, for the last six months she only comes out of her room for meals and when she has to go to school. She is too young to know what is best for her, but is there any way I can cheer her up? She is becoming impossible to live with. - Ms. E. Phillips

Dear Ms. E. Phillips, You tell your daughter to write me a letter and I'll have a private chat with her. I had to wear braces myself when I was a child. I didn't want to wear them at first but now I know it was all for the best. Just look at me now! Mothers and daughters have a very special relationship and I'm sure that such a small thing will not come between you. In another six months, when the braces come off, I bet she won't even remember wearing them. And send me a photo of that smile!

- People Who Need Our Prayers -

- The Sublime Mystery of Love -

A Personal View
by
Timothy Hatfield, MP., House of Representatives.

For what reason are we here on earth other than to love? Can anyone honestly tell me? I can think of none, and neither can my wife. To love and care for another is surely the most natural thing a person can do, as well as the most divine. It gives humanity the chance to act selflessly, as well as enabling us to transcend the everyday reality of our lives. Love liberates us from the prison of our own selfhood and brings us in touch with the spiritual.

Imagine a world without love. Could a greater hell be conceived? What reason could there be to live in such a world? Who would we share our joys and sorrows with? Who would be there to console us during the lean times and nurse us should we fall ill? With whom would we dine, or celebrate Christmas, or go to the cinema with? With whom would we snuggle up in the chill of the evening after a hard day's work? Without doubt, human life would be totally empty without love.

I honestly do not know how a person could choose to be single. Perhaps he doesn't know the joys of sharing one's existence with someone else. How the little things in life must torture him.

Furthermore, I firmly believe that the act of making love is sacred. Some people even go so far as to say that the orgasm is the nearest we can come to God, but I don't know. What about the period afterwards? When man and woman lay entwined and exhausted after a bout of lovemaking, it is surely the most beautiful moment in life.

Finally, there is marriage, a lifetime littered with spiritual acts. Marriage is an oasis of security, a refuge from the harsh realities of life, a fortress against the outside world and against those who would do us ill. As humans beings, we need to work as a team to overcome the pitfalls and journey through life unscathed.

Thomas Mann.

Leo Tolstoy.

J.C.F. von Schiller.

Sophocles.

Virgil.

George Eliot.

Sir Arthur Eddington.

Francis Bacon.

Leonardo da Vinci.

French Proverb.

Jeremy Gratham.

Mother Teresa.

Mark Twain.

- GUIDELINES FOR THE RESPONSIBLE WOMAN -

by
Professor Robert Black

As we all know, women play an enormous role in the destruction of consciousness. Millions of years of evolution have shaped the female for precisely this purpose. Although we may have evolved the faculty of thought, it has through the existence of women been emasculated and restricted purely to the service of our animal needs.

How has this marvel happened? By what means does she do this? Nothing esoteric, I assure you. The answer simply lies in woman's attractiveness to man. The reason why women do everything they can to enhance their desirability is so that they can grab and hold the attention of man. If it were not for her, man's gaze would look elsewhere, possibly even towards the unspeakable horror which is Truth.

Observe the sheer beauty of the sexual relationship. Woman requires just enough consciousness in a man to attend to her needs and no more. He must be awake enough to caress her and pay her bills, but not so much that he gets it into his head to go off and "become perfect" or some other equally absurd thing. Man must be kept within a narrow band of consciousness and the whole of female sexuality is geared towards this.

Potentially, men are capable of almost anything, and left to themselves will begin to seek greatness in all directions. But tied to a woman, they become tame and docile. Thus the task of any healthy society is to educate men into thinking that women are the most precious beings in the universe and that looking after them is their primary duty in life. Women refer to such men as "good men".

It is a system which has worked wonderfully well for thousands of years, leading to today's fantastically ignorant society. But unfortunately, it is also a system which is under threat. Modern feminism is upon us, bringing many profound changes to our society - all of which are very welcome, of course - but it has one consequence which I cannot abide by: namely that feminism is weakening woman's psychological grip over man.

Before going any further, let me just say that I fully support the basic goals of feminism. Speaking purely as a male, I am deeply ashamed about the way my sex has treated women over the centuries and it is only right that our society is now acting to provide redress in this area. As my wife well knows, I harbour no ill-will to any woman who seeks to overcome her oppression. Nevertheless, I am concerned that in all this recent rush to liberate the female of our species, our more vital interests are being forgotten.

It is important that women, while they continue to explore their new found freedoms, do not lose sight of their primary responsibility to humanity, which is to be physically and emotionally attractive to man and therefore destructive of masculine consciousness.

Accordingly, I present a series of guidelines which attempts to give the responsible woman an ethical basis for her choices in life. They are not necessarily commandments which should be adhered to above all else; think of them, rather, as tools with which to construct a responsible yet fulfilling life for you and your loved ones.

Don't be put off by the serious nature of all this. Your duty is simply to marry one man and nothing else. That is all humanity asks of you. The rest of your life is yours to live as you please. No one is asking you to restrict your enjoyment of life.

Therefore, you needn't despair if you fail to live up to these guidelines. Just try to do the best you can: that is all that can be expected of you. I do ask you to keep in mind, however, that the more deviant the man is - that is, the more conscious he is - the better you will serve humanity by marrying him. In other words, strive to ensnare the thoughtful soul, rather than simply running off with the nearest herd-man.

Best wishes for a long and happy life!

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Guidelines for the Responsible Woman

1. Always dress sexually. I believe this should be the number one priority for women, for it is sexuality which captures the mind of man. More than anything else, a sexy woman persuades a man that being irrational is a desirable mode of existence.

   By "dressing sexually", I do not necessarily mean mini-skirts and see-through blouses. Indeed, I would encourage women not to overplay her hand in this regard as it tends to repulse the Truth-seeking man. Only someone with his mind totally destroyed could possibly be attracted to such crudeness and, obviously, it would be useless attracting such a man in the first place.

   No, subtlety is the key here. Instead of sexuality, think femininity. Just a touch of make-up or a pair of earrings is enough to convince everyone that you have no desire to be treated rationally. Indeed, the whole gamut of frilly dresses, silky hair, artificially-reddened lips and glittering jewelry announces your intentions loud and clear. The woman wearing them says to the world, "I am a freak and a clown. Please don't expect anything more of me." Men will oblige by taking you out to dinner.

   I firmly believe that the well-groomed woman is the most ethical of all God's creatures, for she has dedicated her life to the seduction of man - or in plainer words, to the destruction of reason. I reckon the poets and musicians should do nothing else but sing her praises, for she is like an angel watching over the welfare of humanity.

2. Strive to develop a charming personality. It is very important to develop a personality which is irresistible to men. The golden rule is this: it doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do it prettily. Prettiness is the most powerful force in the Universe. The pretty woman slays thousands of men with just one glance. Even the Truth-seeker stops in his tracks when catching sight of a pretty woman.

   I am not necessarily referring to physical attractiveness here, although it does help to be beautiful. Rather, the real trick to being pretty lies in developing a child-like personae. A woman should strive to be bubbly, cute, innocent, spontaneous, joyful, and, above all, harmless. In so doing, she can deceive men into thinking that she is pure and virtuous and generally closer to God. This is definitely something to keep in mind, especially when trying to attract the eye of the Truth-seeker. Of course, this may appear to be a devious and unethical way of doing things, but I wouldn't be concerned. The end justifies the means. The sooner men are married off the better, as I am sure you all agree.

3. Be a chameleon. This follows on from number two. A man tends to find a particular woman attractive if she appears to hold the same values as himself. He sees in her a part of himself, more often the nobler part, and if she happens to be pretty, well, there is little to stop him falling completely in love.

   The best way to foster this attractiveness is to discard whatever values you currently happen to be entertaining and simply mould yourself around the men that you meet and fancy. Learn to become like a mirror and reflect back what the man values. In this way, he will recognize a soul-mate and be yours forever.

   I should warn you that this may not always work in the case of a Truth-seeker. He is often awake to this ruse, so it is best to bolster it with a bit of simulation. Take an active interest in philosophy, for example. Give him a rational critique of society. Delve into psychology with him. Praise the concept of the individual. You need not keep the pretense up for long. As soon as the man has fallen for you and has agreed to become your husband/boyfriend, you can give it all away and become your normal girlish self again. For once caught, a man rarely escapes.

4. Perfect the art of producing guilt. This also follows from number two. The real reason why it is important for woman to appear purer than man is so that he can be blamed for everything which happens. More importantly, it strengthens the belief in people's minds that women lie at the centre of all things and constitute the reason why the Universe came into being in the first place.

   The key to purity is passiveness. In other words, do nothing. Just remain motionless, like a snake. Not only does this safeguard your feminine purity, but it also forces men into having to do everything (and so be blamed for everything). The skillful woman is the woman who can make a man feel guilty for simply existing.

   I urge you to pay careful consideration to these words. The secret of all your feminine power lies within them. Woman, the passive judge, is the great invisible force which underpins the whole of society and keeps it from running off the rails. She is the ballast which checks any possible urge to greatness. Men do many things in this world but there is one thing they balk at: incurring the wrath of women upon themselves.

5. Never cease to stroke his ego. Always tell your man how fantastic he is. Compliment him on his enormous intelligence and his overflowing artistic genius. Let him know how physically attractive he is and that he is easily the best lover you've ever had in your whole life. Describe to him how sensitive and sweet you find him, and how he always makes you laugh. In short, tell him what a good man he is.

   With enough persistence on your part, he may start to believe it all himself and so forget the terrible hunger which once drove him to seek Reality.

6. Learn to be maternal. All men are deeply affected by their childhood attachment to their mothers and most of them carry the scars of this relationship for life. This gives women a rich seam to exploit. By taking on the role of "mother", you may establish a firm grip on the man's subconscious. Hence, the importance of washing his socks.

   Always ensure that the man you love is totally under your thumb. Sure, let him have some minor freedoms. Let him go off and have a beer with his mates. Let him choose the type of motor-mower he wants. Let him tuck the kids into bed at night. But make sure that in the all essential matters you are in full control of his life.

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   Conclusion. A women's duty to her species lies in capturing a man and turning him into a husband. The more conscious the man, the more significant her duty. Thus, to assume the appearance of a philosopher is the highest act a female can perform.

   If femininity did not exist, there would be little to stand in the way of the thinking process. Sooner or later, men would discover the importance of Truth, which would be disastrous. It would mean the end of the world as we currently know it.

   It is therefore important that women retain their femininity while pursuing the freedoms they so richly deserve. Ideally, a woman should devote her energies towards establishing total dominance over men. As the evidence of history suggests, this should not be a difficult task. She need only be womanly on the inside while aping manliness on the outside.

   So by all means, run a business, become a politician, win the Olympics, do great science, become a feminist and whatever else you feel is necessary - but in so doing always make sure that your innermost centre remains soft and feminine and pleasing to men.

 George Green, Businessman and Father of three.

- FASHIONOLOGY FOR EVERYONE -

by
Dr Abraham Gossit, PhD

Dr Gossit has had a long and distinguished career as a psychologist, both in counselling and in research. He has written many books on the subject of fashionology and is recognized the world over as the leading expert in the field. He has just released his latest book, "Fashion for Unfortunates", which extends his pioneering work in fashionology and looks at the implications of deviance upon the psychological health of both societies and individuals. In this article, he reveals some of the mysteries of his field and explains to us how modern science is now invading the esoteric world of the fashion house.

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You may well ask why a psychologist is writing about fashion. Admittedly, I know little about fashion. I am totally ignorant about the latest designer wear, for example, or whether skirts are currently cut above or below the knee, or even whether my neatly trimmed beard is regarded as "hip" or merely passé. My very own daughters take me for a caveman, so I suppose that's proof enough of my squareness. So why, then, am I writing about fashion?

Well, I may not know anything of fashion, but I know plenty about psychology. More particularly, I know what an enormous role fashion plays in our lives and I know what a powerful force it can be for our society as a whole. For thirty years, I have been studying closely the dynamics of this all-pervasive phenomenon. I have observed and recorded in great detail the gradual breakdown of the mind and the terrible suffering involved when people deviate too much from the norm and enter the unfashionable.

One should never underestimate the importance of fashion. It is easy for us to scoff and dismiss fashion as being little more than a vulgar pursuit for the rich and effeminate. Yet to do so would be unwise. For, in truth, fashion goes much deeper than the mere search for the latest look. Indeed, I believe that fashion cuts to the very core of our identity. It forms the basis of everything we know, accept and love. In fact, it is not too much to say that fashion is the very stuff of all of human behaviour.

I therefore regard it as extremely healthy for a society to encourage its members to give themselves over to fashion without reserve. The fashion may be in the way we dress, or it may be in our values, or in our knowledge - whatever the area, "following the fashion" is the noblest and most natural of all human activities.

A fashionable society is a vibrant and cohesive society. It evolves and unfolds like a resplendent flower; there is none of that artificial stiltedness which comes from conscious thought. The morbid inflexibility that arises out of an attachment to ideas and principles is entirely absent in a fashion-swept society. Fashion is the means by which a society can best prepare itself to meet the unforseen challenges of an ever-changing world.

So what is fashion? It is simply the process of becoming the same as everyone else . . . only a little better. Note the "only a little better", for it is of key importance. If everyone strove to be exactly the same as everyone else, then being fashionable would no longer be a pleasure. It is the microscopic slithers of unconformity in individuals which create the dynamics for a rich and fulfilling life.

Indeed, I would go so far as to say that differences between individuals are essential to give our lives significance, for difference produces conflict and conflict is the wellspring of both our hopes for the future and our entertainment for the present. It is a great truth of life that unconformity is as important to fashion as conformity.

While it is true that the differences between individuals signify the identity of each and every individual, these differences must be kept within a narrow range to be effective. If the differences are too small they will fail to distract us from the knowledge that our entire lives are naught but cowardly conformity. On the other hand, if the differences become too large then we will be in grave danger of entering into true, unadulterated individuality. Thus, only a small difference can serve to reinforce the essential sameness of everyone, and so constitute a powerful force for good.

I have devoted a large part of my career to the study of differences in fashion and have developed a theory to quantify how much difference is allowable before it becomes dangerous. The theory has been rigorously tested and retested over many years, as one would expect with such a major breakthrough in understanding, and it has finally been accepted by the scientific community as one that will stand unchallenged through the course of time.

For the benefit of our readers, I will now give a simplified version of what I call The Formula for Differences. In plain English, The Formula for Difference reads as follows:

Anyone deviating not less than 0.25% and not more than 0.75% from the sum total of the current values of society can be considered fashionable. Technically speaking, the equation is as follows:

0.9925V < f < 0.9975V * where f = fashionable person **
V = sum total of values currently held by society

The information can also be displayed in table form as follows:

0% - 99.25% . . . . too individualistic. 99.25% - 99.75% . . . . fashionable 99.75% - 100.00% . . . . too conforming

Table 1.0: Conformity Brackets

* Note that the formula can be applied to any society, no matter what type of culture is prevailing in it, or indeed to any subsection of that society. Also note that it is independent from the factors of age and gender.

** It should be noted that f includes the category known as the eccentric, but does not include the individual. The key determinant in deciding whether a person should be classified as either eccentric or individual is the degree of consciousness they exhibit. Interested persons are referred to my book, Fashion for Unfortunates, for an exhaustive explication of the theory, but for now it is enough to know that eccentricity is directly proportional to harmlessness.

In other words:

e = hdp

where e = eccentricity
h = harmlessness
d = deviation from sum total
of values of society
p = a constant = 2.35674

Also h = 1/c

where c = consciousness

The primary value of these equations is that they allow us to measure in a precise and unbiased manner the amount of deviation from normality needed to be perfectly fashionable. True, each person is unique and this uniqueness will inevitable impact upon their Optimum Deviation Value. A person's physical attributes, for example, must be taken into account when calculating their Optimum Deviation Value. The reader is referred to my book for the full details of the advanced theory which fully accounts for the many variables found in the real world.

In conclusion, fashion is essential for the health of any human society, and the more fashion-conscious are the individuals who make up that society, the more versatile and adaptive that society is seen to be. Fashion reigns-in dangerous and deviant diversity, focussing individual potentialities into an effective unity of purpose, at the same time as maintaining sufficient drama to make life interesting.

One of my post-graduate students put it to me very clearly: fashion destroys consciousness. This is precisely what makes it so appealing. Whereas fashion exhilarates and distracts, consciousness, on the other hand, is cold and detached. Fashion is life; consciousness is death. Fashion sweeps you off your feet, flinging you into fun and adventure. Best of all, it doesn't cost anything. At least, it doesn't cost any more than you are already doing.

I believe that the sign of any healthy society is the size of its designer fashion industry. A large and beourgoning clothing sector implies a society drenched in fashion in all its parts. Most importantly, a large clothing sector implies that even the most cloistered halls of academia are infected with fashion, so that knowledge becomes increasingly determined by popularity rather than by considerations of truth. This is where fashion really starts to bite.

It was only last week I noticed the enscription above the newly constructed grand gate to the University of New York:

GREAT IS STYLE, AND MIGHTY ABOVE ALL THINGS