GENIUS FORUMS

Hi All,

I think this is my first time posting here, but I've been aware of the forums and particularly David Quinn's work for a long time. Printed it off and studied it - all makes sense to me, apart from the stuff on nothingness IIRC.

The reason I'm posting is that I've had some odd occurrences happen to me recently.

First, bit of background - I'm diagnosed as bipolar and have been hospitalized on several occassions to keep me out of harms way as I held delusional beliefs about who I was and what I was capable of. These delusions were pretty much always preceded by some kind of mystical experience where reality seemed to collapse down to a single point in my mind. These happened to different strengths but my limited understanding of the experiences caused my mind to flip out a bit.

This has led to me on and off over the past 5 years or so doing research into various areas. Philosophy, spirituality, meditation Tai chi, meanings of fictional works such as 2001 A Space Odyssey and more recently the popular matrix.

Anyway - background over - I now have a much more rounded understanding of some of the concepts to do with consciousness so am more prepared for these experiences when they do occur.

So - the last week or so, as I have been laying down to sleep at night and my mind generally becoming calmer, I have experienced what I can only describe as a software crash of sorts. Or if not a crash, a pause in the running of the code.

I am a programmer for a living and have been studying after hours also.

The 'crash' feels as though I am a machine/computer running some software and briefly - very briefly - 'I' zoom in on the code, which seems to be speed up accompanied by a zipping sound. It comes to a halt a singular point. Nothing or 1 or 0, I'm not sure. Sometimes it seems to involve other parts of my body also and that is included in the crash.

It's hard to describe as all these mystical states usually are, but hopefully it gives you a flavour.

Anyway, thought you guys might be interested in it - my thoughts on it are divided. I'm thinking that the thoughts that you and I experience in terms of words (echoed sound) are a higher level and that basically at base they're all made of zeros and ones, same as a machine and somehow I'm shutting my mind down to a point where I can experience that. A kind of no-state quantum state understandable through the context of my skillset.

Thanks

Symptoms of the manic state in bipolar disorder can include feelings of the mind racing, hearing things, and feeling as though one has extraordinary abilities.. You have good insight to realize that your episodes are heralded by mystical states. It is also a good analogy that when your mind isn't working like normal, it is like a software crash.

I don't think it is physiologically or empirically possible to have direct experience of your sense data. Your sense data would still need to be represented to a subject-model.

It seems more likely that you are describing a seizure in which the brain activity is too chaotic to sustain a coherent conscious state so it collapses.

If it is something you are inducing by meditation then its still possibly something like a seizure which has been instigated internally. What do you learn from it? Maybe you have a psychotic episode associated with bi-polar disorder or a self-induced decoherence of consciousness. In either case it is worth noting the volatility of consciousness and the constructive process of representing reality consciously.

You've identified quite a few direct causal agents. For instance:

and more recently the popular matrix

I am a programmer for a living and have been studying after hours also.

To me it sounds like you are fantasising about achieving an altered state and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy via concentration. If what you say was in my mind, I'd be a little worried I was at risk of developing schizophrenia. I wouldn't know though as I'm not bipolar, don't have a speedy mind and never really experienced a decent altered state (only drug addled states).

I'm thinking that the thoughts that you and I experience in terms of words (echoed sound) are a higher level and that basically at base they're all made of zeros and ones, same as a machine and somehow I'm shutting my mind down to a point where I can experience that.

You may well be doing something akin to that* but I do know you are not "seeing the Matrix" - but I can say that because I couldn't care less if there was a matrix, so it's neither here nor there if I was wrong. It would make no difference to the fundamental truths I know. Anything that created it would have had to evolve - just like us.

*Particularly if you've worked with machine code. Your mind may be autistically converting words to code (and the code can be a dream code, not actual).

I've been wanting to post on this forum for a while, I read with interest some of your exchanges. A lot of it goes over my head as I'm not particuarly well read on philosophy and the like. I've tried various classic authors but can't get into it.

It is a dangerous game that my mind appears to be playing with itself. There certainly doesn't feel as though there is any free will involved in the process.

It started to happen quite spontaneously and was not forced upon myself by any conscious effort. I don't meditate reguarly, but I do practice Tai chi and on the infrequent occassions where I do meditate I generally just try to clear my mind and find a place of peace.

I refer only to the matrix after the event - I hadn't looked into meanings of that before I experienced these crashes. I don't even subscribe to the possibilities of that - particularly not a war between man and machine - but after these experiences I've been hastily scrabbling round trying to validate it and this is something that comes up - human/mind as software. Another work of fiction that could be mentioned is snow crash. I haven't read that but am aware of the synopsis.

I'm aware that it is dangerous to dwell in the realms of fiction rather than fact, and I'm not saying that I believe any of that to be true. I'd rather deal in scientific/philosophical/spiritual theories and fact (if that is possible). I may be barking up the wrong tree, but I've read up on Ken Wilber, and some other things like the 8-circuit model. Any recommendations to keep me on the straight and narrow?

In all actuality, I'd rather forget all about it and be able to just go about my day, do my job and live my life as 'normal' but when these kinds of experiences happen from time to time, they really shake me up and I can't help but get involved and follow them through to try to reach a conclusion.

As someone who has been diagnosed with bipolar, I regularly take my prescribed medication, don't dabble in narcotics - I can't do much more about my illness.

I'm not 110% convinced that bipolar/psychosis can be pulled apart from stages of enlightenment. I believe that the individual undergoes various stages of awakening and their mind tries to make sense of that in as best it can at the time. My early experiences of ego death/merging with 'God' undertook Christian undertones as that was my upbringing, and I walked around thinking I was the big chief in the sky. Turning my attention to more eastern philosophies, subsequent episodes have meant just an interconnectedness to everything but I still get into trouble, walking
round in an ecstastic state chasing adventure. Makes is very hard to knuckle down and sit in the desk job.

Am I doomed by faulty genetics to not be able to pursue the goal of enlightenment? Should I just accept that my mind is too weak to make the grade and to not concern myself with it, just accept the day to day as it is?

Thankfully, the 'software crash' experiences seem to be abating and my mind is not as preoccupied with finding out what this blip was - able to go about my job/hobbies without so much worry.

Sorry for the confused post - I'm trying to cover a lot of bases without coming across as a total nutjob, this is pretty much the first time I've tried to 'get it down on paper'.

Thanks for your input. Hopefully posting on this board may be able to clear some of my subconscious delusions that have a habit of surfacing.

I've been given lots of different medications over the years, and to be honest they don't seem to prevent bipolar episodes at all. They do seem to keep me on the straight and narrow with regards to the depression side of things - I only very briefly go through a moody period following a manic episode. This is probably due to being a relatively far less ecstatic state as well as mentally processing the embarrassing things I'd got up to.

I'm currently just on a mood stabiliser, 2000mg of sodium valproate a day. I used to take an anti-depressant to combat anxiety and various accompanying anti-psychotics to counter the effects of the anti-depressant. As I generally don't suffer from anxiety like I used to (or at least am able to control it and not give in to it), they've dropped out both the anti-depressant and anti-psychotic.

I'm not one of those people who is against the medication that I'm told to take. It's a paradox - the ecstatic states are enjoyable on one level but the fallout from them is so great that following them I'd rather not have had them and so I appreciate the help the meds give.

Luckily, I have a very understanding employer and have taken a fair bit of time out of work over the last few years but at least I am able to hold down a job of some kind, even if it is not quite how I envisaged myself to have progressed career-wise from my more ambitious youth.

steviedisco wrote:I'm not 110% convinced that bipolar/psychosis can be pulled apart from stages of enlightenment. I believe that the individual undergoes various stages of awakening and their mind tries to make sense of that in as best it can at the time.

This might be something of a clue about depression:
Depressive Realism