GENIUS FORUMS

I enjoy reading lists of what people say, and what they really mean. Here are some things people commonly say at funerals:
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Not always an easy man to live with: he beat his missus.

Had a volatile relationship with his beloved wife: averaged an AVO (apprehended violence order) every six weeks.

Led a full life: ex-heroin addict.

Free spirit: couldn't hold down a job to save himself.

Always had a twinkle in his eye: pervert.

Laid back: pot-head.

Give you the shirt off his back: gullible.

Loved a punt: degenerate gambler who'd put the house through the pokies.

Doted on his nieces and nephews: borderline kiddie-fiddler.

Colourful: criminal.

Misunderstood: a prick.

Confirmed bachelor: gay.

Flamboyant, confirmed bachelor: gay and promiscuous.

Knew the value of a dollar: tight-arse.

Never short of a quid: cheap

Generous to a fault: never had a buck/lived at the TAB.

Born storyteller: painful bore.

Mercurial: moody arsehole.

Always quick with a joke: brutally unfunny.

Man of large appetites: obese and/or alcoholic.

Original thinker: insane.

Marched to the beat of a different drum: heard voices.

A woman who was one of the guys: liked group sex.

Saw a lot of life: in jail.

Estranged from his family: bail refused.

Life of the party: an absolute dickhead on the drink.

Lived a quiet life: a bore.

Never had a bad word to say about anybody: a gossip.

Active in the community: a busybody.

Shied away from the limelight: never did anything of note with their life.

Wouldn't hurt a fly: weak as piss.

Kept to himself: had no friends.

Great communicator: never shut up.

Keen intellect: a nerd.

Career minded: back-stabbing workaholic.

Never missed a day's work: was too poor to take time off.

Called a spade a spade: sexist and racist.

Had an eye for the ladies: sleaze and/or philanderer.

Found military life not to his taste: deserter.

Not one for formalities: Scruffy and smelly.

Stern disciplinarian: beat his kids.

Avid bushman: pyromaniac and/or dope grower.

Handy around the house: hen-pecked.

Straight-talker: big mouth.

Salt-of-the-earth: white trash.

Uncomplicated: stupid as a bag of hammers.

Uninhibited: slut.

Not held back by society's constraints: had six kids with five different men.

Vivacious: drunken slut.

Lived to serve: didn't get holiday pay as a waiter.

Loved by all the boys down at the club: alcoholic.

Never one to back down from an argument: a bully.

Didn't have a bad bone in his body: no go in him.

Great raconteur: liar.

A man's man: misogynist.

Loved his country passionately: racist.

Black sheep of the family: grievously assaulted all of his siblings at one time or another.

Do anything for you: always looking for a free beer.

Thought he could change the world: Filled with middle class angst doing his bit for 3rd world (getting laid A LOT in process).

Always someone to rely on: wanted to get laid more.

Top bloke: Have no idea who I am talking about.

Couldn't have had a better father: he left a huge inheritance.

Great Listener: boring life and milking you for material for his novel, or deaf.

Great communicator: never shut up.

Intellectual genius: thought he was better than everyone else.

Philanthropist: liked everyone to know how generous they were, and didn't pay their taxes.

Unique individual: Complete whack job.

His values and views of the world came from an earlier, more traditional time: racist, sexist, narrow-minded bigot.

Had an artistic bent that his family seldom saw: secretly gay.

Tireless charity worker: Pinched stuff from Lifeline bins and sold it at fleamarkets.

Quiet acheiver: Acheived bugger-all, quietly.

Never wasted an opportunity: Rooted anything with a pulse.

Subtitles can be interesting, indeed. Actually, these could be equally applicable to polite phrasing regarding the living.

Sometimes it is hard to differentiate between what is said and meant in a honest way and what is said and meant in a diplomatic fashion. One side leans toward cynicism the other to gullibility.

Diplomacy itself implies good lies. Lies that are intended to create a positive in our inter related reality.

Along the lines of the eulogy in respect that they tend to pertain to funerals, on a 'light' note, an actual epitaph on a gravestone in
Ribbesford, England.

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
and the Devil sent him Anna.

Peace.