Note - this article was stolen from the email account of a leading tech blogger on April the 3rd. All other details are classified, because.
On April the 1st, 2017, humanity entered a new era. Yes, that is actually what I am literally saying, guys, and I am NOT channeling [name of relevant character from sci-fi/nerdy film]. Finally, all those pesky [name of relevant group] can stop harassing us with [relevant subject of harassment]. As for [name of relevant issue], that's an issue relegated to the tortured worldview of [name of relevant group]. But don't [citation of an appropriate literal/figurative instance of an inappropriate act/thought derived from overconfidence regarding a relevant issue which may or may not be the subject of article]. There are battles to be fought [if HBO rep writes that cheque, pad with more Game of Thrones references], but the future was changed by the voice (and text) of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Eddie Lampert on a day which, before its current manifestation, was associated with fools, but will now be ubiquitously, and rather simply, known amongst us not-so-humble technobrats as The Singularity.
Last Saturday, the terrific trio announced they have joined forces and are offering up an IPO for a new corporation, YMMAM (Yes to Mars, Malls And MAGA) Incorporated, which will move all the malls currently on Earth to Mars. "All of 'em?!" I hear you ask. Well, yeah! See, here's the thing that [name of relevant group/individual with precis of their criticism of relevant issue]: the Earth isn't enough, and blindly assuming that it is because [name of fashionable target of alt right millenial scorn with caustic precis of their beliefs] is exactly the kind of religious idiocy they rail against.
Try to imagine this for a moment - incredibly low real estate prices and non-existent taxes. Was it hard? Of course it was. Trump is doing the best he can to change that on Earth, but this land of dreams is everyone's for the taking right now, on Mars. That's what YMMAM Inc. is all about.
Goldman Sachs will underwrite this IPO and is setting the price on open at $20/share for an initial market cap of $1T, dwarfing those of Alibaba, Google, Apple and Amazon put together (yeah, you literally actually heard that right). I'm sure the sucker [forgot the syntax of that Linux backspace epanorthosis again...shit; gotta look it up after my evening porn viewing coz mammy called and said she'll come home early with another friend; what is "Alabama black snake" anyway?] gentleman over at *that* blog is busy anally composing a "measured" appraisal right now.
But this isn't the time or place for *that*. Investors the world (singular right now, even though The Singularity was 3 days ago) over have fixed their attention on YMMAM, and will likely continue to do so for the rest of eternity. Did I mention that The Singularity will makes us immortal? Um, well, actually, yes, it will. Sorry if that doesn't fit your [name of fashionable target of alt right millenial scorn with caustic precis of their beliefs].
"YMMAM could give birth to a whole new form of retailing", remarked one of the Tylers from Zerohedge, speculating in his article how Mars was the new frontier for free trade.
"It should come as no surprise that all polls indicate enthusiasm for YMMAM. Who would have known that most successful people believe that deregulation and environmental realism are the causes of prosperity?", Tyler added.
George Soros and Crispin Odey also believe this is a great new investment opportunity for their hedge funds. Being the Enemies of the Right didn't get them where they are today. Meanwhile, Bill Gross has already committed to buying all the bonds issued by YMMAM Inc. with money he borrows at negative 1% interest rates from the Federal Reserve. Who knew financial cronyism could work wonders for the economy if only it was done for the right reasons?
"This is a riskless investment.", said Gross. "The Fed pays us to borrow money from them, then we loan the freshly printed money to YMMAM at 5% and they pay us for the privilege of using the money we borrowed. There is no chance they can go bankrupt, because Elon, Jeff and Eddie have come up with an idea that is simply too great to fail. It doesn't matter if returns are pending, I trust them and intend to put my money where my mouth is."
As is to expected, the liberals were sceptical about the potential of YMMAM, calling out the supposed hypocrisy of the alt media in its support for outsourcing hundreds of thousands of service and hospitality sector jobs currently located on Earth. They don't need to worry. Starbucks can keep its vibrant staff. The demographic most desperately in need of new frontiers for expansion and exploitation can handle Mars on its own.
Questions as to how the new malls on Mars would be staffed were initially difficult to answer, but Ray Kurzweil assured investors this would not be an issue, since the malls would be built and staffed entirely by robots.
Some of you may be asking "what about human workers?" Firstly, there are going to be malls on Mars for fuck's sake! You should bask in the utter awesomeness of that concept before trying to find faults with it. Secondly, the Martian government would be its own entity, although effectively owned by taxpaying individuals, banks and corporations on Earth. Musk has proposed a legislation that can put to rest all questions about the lack of potential for Martian jobs - the Martian Robot Welfare Act.
The robots on Mars would have to be sentient. The nature of robotic sentience necessitates a constant source of entertainment and emotional comfort. Fortunately for both the robots and us humans, millenial STEM graduates are willing to provide that service 24x7. In the decades to come, these graduates will found trillion dollar companies that will compete with one another to invent ever more creative, exciting and efficient ways of delivering this unique and crucial service to their metallic clients.
The jobs, of course, would be done from the Earth itself, inside service centers (some would call them "call centers", but they haven't got useful degrees anyway, so who cares?) where millions of robotic welfare specialists will remotely converse with Mars' robots about anything from rooftop gardens to threesomes to the pros and cons of the design rationale for IEEE 754. But come the weekend, these busy professionals will balance out all that backbreaking work with a bit of interplanetary play! In fact, it is these brave pioneers who will have the privilege of being the first to enter the malls of Mars and experience a surfing, buying and kiosk patronising adventure like never before.
TL;DR: YMMAM is coming, whether you're ready for it or not.
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