Carl!
Aaron, you dog, how's life been treating ya?
Oh God Carl! It was going so good - but boy, what a train wreck last night was. [head shaking]
After I got off work, this co-worker of mine who I used to sit with, stopped by my desk to see how I was doing. I was very nice to her in the past, as I am with all women, big or small.
This one happened to be quite huge. I'm guessing 300 pounds give or take a few. She's out to sea that one.....
What a ship.
She was actually the same big girl that inspired my little rant on the Aaron Mathis thread - you might recall. Back then, despite I felt pulled into her jupiter-like gravity of sexual desire for me, nothing ever happened between us - in part because we got switched to different teams. But anyway, last night we both got off work at the same time and she stopped by my desk. I could tell she wanted me to ask her out, and I felt bad for her. I know she's lonely, and felt sympathy. So I asked her if she wanted to go see 'Pan's Labryinth', a movie I wanted to see anyway. (My attitude toward her was much like a father regards his daugther. At least at that point it was)
So we went to see it. The movie was quite short. Afterwards, we stood outside the theatre, and after discussing the movie as much as we could, it got kinda weird, because she didnt seem like she wanted to go home and I got the sense that she wanted me to invite her into my apartment, which was only one block down. So, I asked her if she wanted to come see my apartment, and she agreed. Actually, I only live in a small room. Just a bacherlor flat. And so I took her into my room. There was nowhere to sit for her, so I made a comfy place on the bed for her. Told her to relax, and to listen to me rehearse my class presentation for school. I took a seat at my computer, but before I got a chance to rehearse my presentation, she started asking me about my plans for the future: she asked if I was ever going to settle down, if I would ever settle down with a girl, etc, etc. With a bit of anxiety and nervousness, I told her about my position on non-attatchment, my desire to be partner-less, to be free, to be a buddha, etc. She suddenly looked very uncomfortable and anxiously struggled to sit up a bit straighter on my bed. But her efforts appeared to produce not much effect, given her size. As she glanced at me uncomfortably with a loss for words, I felt rigid, unlovable and anxious.
And so, to escape from despair, I suddenly had the desire to deal with my negative feelings by cuddling up to her and being affectionate - as non-sexually as possible. And so, I put on a series of national geographic podcasts, tilted the computer monitor toward the bed, and then said to her in an innocent kind of way: "Why don't I come lay with you?"
"Well of couse!" She said with a smile.
And so I laid on the bed next to her - watching national geographic.
I then said: "do you want me to hold you in my arms?"
"Yes" she said.
And this felt quite nice.
She then continued to question me about my philosophy.
It was much easier to talk my talk when I was holding and caressing her. It made it seem much easier emotionally. I told a few funny stories and started giving her guru like speils about what she needs to do with her life. But I was just amazed by the size of her cleavage. Freakin melons.
There are so many weird details in regards to the exchange of words that lead up to the dry humping, but I'll cut to the chase:
She somehow managed to get her clothes off on her own initiative without me doing anything other than light kissing, and after I told her I wouldnt have sex without a condom, she whispered passionately - "well then just dry hump me then"
And so here I am, dry humping this 300 pound girl with my face between her giant melons which I occasional palmed simultaneously. Out of fatigue and boredom, I eventually turned off her, and because her efforts at masterbating me failed, and also because of her repeated request to "see me cum" - I ended up masterbating myself into my t-shirt.
And then we just laid there - me holding her - but for the next half hour I had to continuously listen to the same queries over and over again.
1) Tell me who I am Aaron. Who am I? I don't know who I am. Tell me who I am.
2) Why don't you need anyone? Why arent you settling down with someone? Don't you get lonely?
3) Are you sure we can't have sex? I've only been off the pill for about a week.
This went on for a long time. Eventually she got angry with me, telling me that my whole 'non-attatchment' philosophy was just an excuse to 'use her'. Then her tone became depressed. She said: "this sort of thing happening without any sort of commitment and connection is just empty and sad, Aaron." I replied: "it's empty and sad either way - - this is just a lesson, and now you understand why I don't really like this sort of thing"
She then inquired more deeply into my philosophy leaving me no choice but to tell her:
"Sex is for making babies and that recreational sex is something that I think pollutes my mind and makes me stupid"
She then made her final angry accusation: "you're just saying all this because you don't think I'm good enough for you - but if you were with a more beautiful girl, you wouldnt be like this" "your just using me"
I told her that if she didnt start being more nice then she would have to leave.
She then snuggled up closely to me and said sorry.
But then she returned to a familiar theme: "what do you think of me?"
I replied saying that I thought she was strong-minded, clever, funny, and a nice person to be around. (compared to most women I know, this is actually true)
But she was unsatisfied with my answers and then became a bit more hostile, delivering more angry accusations, identical to the ones that she appologized for earlier.
After diffusing her emotions, she then asked me, in more specific language: "how do you percieve me?"
"I already told you" I replied.
"But that's it?" - she asked.
I then told her: "look, you are searching in vain for a sense of completeness from another person, and you will never find it. Nothing I say will satisfy you.
"Yes, I could be satisfied.........Aaron, what do I look like to you?"
I caught on. She wanted me to tell her she was pretty. So I said:
"I really like your pretty face, your healthy complextion, your soft skin - I like touching you"
This made her very quiet! She hugged me tightly. With my wireless mouse, I put on some nice music and relaxed. And thankfully, she said she had to go, because it was 3am.
But by the time she was dressed and ready to go, her mood changed again for the worse.
Her final words were: "remember what I said earlier Aaron: this sort of thing happening without any sort of commitment and connection is just empty, and sad - - so think about that"
"ok, ok - I will" I said. "I'm sorry if you feel bad about this"
"I'm ok" she said.
I called her a cab, and off she went.
I woke up the next day feeling as if I commited a murder. What a terrible feeling. But I should have known. It was the same miserable feeling I felt the last time I had sexual relations with a big girl (the last one, and the first one, was about 200pounds. I had a condom for her, and gave it to her doggy style, which was quite a sight)
But never again. Too much sorrow. These girls were not helped by my kindness.
- Mathis
