A Final Solution to Woo-min, the Perennial Problem

[Dionysius the Undying]

Inspired by Mr. David Quinn's masterful interpretation of The Cow Te Ching, the only translation to truly capture Lao Tzu's genius, I, Dionysius the Undying, Semi-Enlightened Bodhisattva and proud owner of a penis, wish to ask the question: what do we do about the Problem of Woo-min?

Although the following list of suggestions is posted with my Undying Tongue firmly planted within my Undying Cheek, I do wish to raise this most pertinent of Undying Questions: What on earth are we going to do about all them Woo-Min?!

Suggestion the First: Eat Them. At least then they would be providing us sages and demigods with nutrition, which is certainly more benefit than they are providing us with now.

Suggestion the Second: Take Pity on Them and Inject Them With Testosterone, Which is Verily the Nectar of the Gods. Remake these pathetic creatures in our own image. With the Nectar of the Gods flowing through their bodies, and the presence of dignified beards gracing their faces, they would then perhaps receive the capacity for enlightenment.

Suggestion the Third: Use Them As They Were Meant to Be Used: As Baby-Making Machines. If only we were able to systematically lobotomize each and every last one of them, remove their limbs and all other unnecessary organs. Ultimately the goal of this would be to reduce them to pure wombs, spawning chambers for the Enlightened. We could surgically implant sperm, and grow children without the messy, primitive, and unnecessary emotional and physical interactions that are currently required for siring children.

What say ye? Have ye other suggestions, either in jest or in Ernest? Obviously only Suggestion the Third is brought forth with any kind of seriousness.

[Elizabeth Isabelle]

Now that's some hilarious satire.

[Trevor Salyzyn]

Indeed, Eliza. I've never seen the likes of it before.

[Shahrazad]

Nat, is that you?

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[Dan Rowden]

Inspired by Mr. David Quinn's masterful interpretation of The Cow Te Ching, the only translation to truly capture Lao Tzu's genius, I, Dionysius the Undying, Semi-Enlightened Bodhisattva and proud owner of a penis, wish to ask the question: what do we do about the Problem of Woo-min?

Who said Woo-min was a problem? She's only a problem if you see her as a problem.

Although the following list of suggestions is posted with my Undying Tongue firmly planted within my Undying Cheek, I do wish to raise this most pertinent of Undying Questions: What on earth are we going to do about all them Woo-Min?!

Leave them alone.

Suggestion the First: Eat Them. At least then they would be providing us sages and demigods with nutrition, which is certainly more benefit than they are providing us with now.

That's arguably true, however I have it on good authority that Woo-min, like many things, taste like chicken and I'm not a big fan of poultry. It's for the birds.

Suggestion the Second: Take Pity on Them and Inject Them With Testosterone, Which is Verily the Nectar of the Gods.

Hmm, then you'd just have hairy Woo-min. Besides, men have lots of testosterone and look at them!

Remake these pathetic creatures in our own image. With the Nectar of the Gods flowing through their bodies, and the presence of dignified beards gracing their faces, they would then perhaps receive the capacity for enlightenment.

I guess failing enlightenment there would always be the Barnum and Bailey option... (or maybe I'm thinking of Ripley - I can never get them straight).

Suggestion the Third: Use Them As They Were Meant to Be Used: As Baby-Making Machines.

Um, aren't we doing that already?

If only we were able to systematically lobotomize each and every last one of them,

Redundancy.

remove their limbs and all other unnecessary organs.

What will they hold the babies with?

Ultimately the goal of this would be to reduce them to pure wombs, spawning chambers for the Enlightened.

Ah, vat people. Interesting, but probably not very practical.

We could surgically implant sperm,

Where's the fun in that?

and grow children without the messy, primitive, and unnecessary emotional and physical interactions that are currently required for siring children.

So, you want men to change diapers? Are you friggin' serious?

What say ye? Have ye other suggestions, either in jest or in Ernest? Obviously only Suggestion the Third is brought forth with any kind of seriousness.

Obviously, but you clearly didn't take the diaper issue into consideration.

[Dionysius the Undying]

Elizabeth and Trevor, I greatly appreciate your sense of humor. It is truly a blessing to be amongst other enlightened beings who have a grasp on what it is to laugh the cosmic laugh, the laughter of the Buddha.

In all seriousness, though, if we could accomplish Suggestion the Third, that of reducing Woo-Min to the baby factories they are, should we?

Shahrazad, my name is Dionysius, not Nat.

[Dionysius the Undying]

Oh, and allow me to clarify my scenario somewhat:

Obviously, those Woo-Min of a transcendant nature such as Elizabeth will be allowed to continue existence as non-vat people.

Mr. Dan Rowden, we can assign the diaper changing duties and such to men of a low character, whilst having instructions given to the young by Sages who have already reached maturity.

Also, while I personally don't view Woo-min to be any sort of problem whatsoever, I do think they are a serious impediment to enlightening others. As a Semi-Bodhisattva, I should like to help these "others" help themselves.

[Dan Rowden]

In all seriousness, though, if we could accomplish Suggestion the Third, that of reducing Woo-Min to the baby factories they are, should we?

Well, in all seriousness, haven't we all but done that anyway? I think it's time for a new direction, frankly.

[Dan Rowden]

Mr. Dan Rowden, we can assign the diaper changing duties and such to men of a low character, whilst having instructions given to the young by Sages who have already reached maturity.

Oh, ok, at least there'll be a ready supply of such workers. Does that also mean that such men will be left "holding the baby"?

[Carl G]

Well, thank you for allowing me to join this august group. In fact, also this july and september group, as we are surely now in the summer of our lives. But I digress.

I think the solution is with technology along the lines suggested by the august sage Kevin Solway, but in reverse and oblique. The august sage Kevin Solway may (and june) have suggested boosting men into space to promote wisdom (I think in a thread last december, but once again I digress).

Obviously we need to send woo-min into space, specifically to the watery, misty, warm vagina Planet Venus. There they can incubate babies, whereupon upon puberty the males shall be transported to Mars for martial and other trainings, before being graduated to the wise planet Earth where all will be well throughout all future infinite non-inherent seasons.

[Dan Rowden]

Those woo-min will need sulphuric acid resistant space suits if we're going to send them to Venus.

[Carl G]

I just happen to hold a patent.

But seriously, we could just tune them to a slightly different dimension there.

[Dan Rowden]

Why couldn't we just tune them to a slightly different dimension here instead?

[Carl G]

Right. Perfect. That simplifies things a lot.

[Leyla Shen]

Oh my fucking God!

Well, I for one volunteer for Venus (with a few conditions) if this is what passes for great humour on Earth!

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[sschaula]

I volunteer to go to a place where there are men whose penises don't shrivel when they get rejected, and whose lives don't deteriorate due to being unattractive to the opposite sex.

[Leyla Shen]

Does that mean they'd simply keep walking around with a hard-on until they found a woman who didn't reject them?

:)

[Aaron Mathis]

I volunteer to go to a place where there are men whose penises don't shrivel when they get rejected, and whose lives don't deteriorate due to being unattractive to the opposite sex.

But remember, if you were to go there then it would cease to be that sort of place!

It's just like the story of the sound who wanted to go where it was quiet.

-Mathis

[Dan Rowden]

I volunteer to go to a place where there are men whose penises don't shrivel when they get rejected, and whose lives don't deteriorate due to being unattractive to the opposite sex.

You don't believe in enlightenment so I guess you're out of luck.

[Ryan Rudolph]

Leyla wrote:

Oh my fucking God!

Well, I for one volunteer for Venus (with a few conditions) if this is what passes for great humour on Earth!

sweet, we fooled her guys.

[Elizabeth Isabelle]

Obviously, those Woo-Min of a transcendant nature such as Elizabeth will be allowed to continue existence as non-vat people.

Okay, I have a bit of a confession to make that goes along with your suggestion number two; perhaps I am evidence of some of the suggestions that Kevin has made. Some medical tests a long time ago uncovered that my body produces more testosterone than most females.

Also, if I were to have had children, not only would I have had to do it young, but I would have had to be put on female hormones to do it. By increasing the testosterone levels of all females, the overpopulation problem would also be helped. Although women body builders who have injected themselves with male hormones and have not only not become wiser, but have suffered significant ill health effects, perhaps there is a more natural hormonal balance involving increased testosterone that would actually work.

Neither all men nor all women are able to become enlightened, so in order to determine which would be the best candidates for breeding, how about suggestion number two. By just chopping the women up for parts, it would be difficult to determine which would be the best candidates for the breeding program. Since there is currently an overpopulation problem, the first few generations would have to be pretty small, so it would be important to have the wisest candidates both from the sperm donation and the egg donation sides. Once selected for breeding, the hormone levels could just be temporarily readjusted.

One serious problem with the testosterone idea though is that testosterone is also the sexual drive hormone. Most guys have a strong sexual urge, and if females are injected with testoserone, they will aso have a strong sexual urge. Except for some unfeminine hair growth (which can be removed) and a bit more muscular but no less curvy of a build (which, as evidenced by the build of females in various video games and action movies, many guys find attractive), there is not enough of a masculinization to be a turn-off to most guys. This could pose a significant distraction from the goal of wisdom if there were suddenly a bunch of horny females who no longer acted like ditzes.
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[Leyla Shen]

Leyla wrote:

Oh my fucking God!

Well, I for one volunteer for Venus (with a few conditions) if this is what passes for great humour on Earth!

sweet, we fooled her guys.

Just call me Ripley and stay out of my way...

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[Leyla Shen]

Oh, make up your fucking mind before you post, Ryan. All you had to do was wait a split second since what you said changed between the moment I clicked "quote" and when the flippen thing posted to the forum.

Jeeeez.

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[sschaula]

I should have put what I said in terms everyone can understand: this is pathetic.

[Leyla Shen]

[laaaaughs!]

Watch this clip and then tell me men aren't women!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hM1M27Dyhc0

And to "Bad Boys," too!

I'd have any one of them, except maybe the Hobbit dude and especially Johnny Depp---mmm.

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