Strategic Self-Presentation

[TheEntertainer]

Let me tell you where I find myself personally regarding all this. I have never found a self-concept that seemed to fit, or that "felt like" it fit. Much like being uncomfortable with a hat, or never liking how I looked in one, I have lived without one. Yet individual situations have me donning this hat or that one - people seem to treat me readily as if I were the thing in the concept; in so doing, I find others supply me with a temporary self-concept, the one most agreeable to them. And this is not objectionable, given a little thought. Why would I force myself to decide on a particular hat, since they are all equally uncomfortable? Why not let it be decided for me, since I am not the one who has to see me in it? Somehow I think my hat analogy has not conveyed what I mean...

This is exactly how I would describe it for myself also. So what does this mean for me? I apologize if I don't sound so smart about this, this is all new stuff for me. I've begun to read Kierkegaard and I tend to agree with just about everything he is saying. But since I am not very well read in philosophy (I've been a hardcore math/science/techie geek my whole life) I don't know if I just tend to agree with any well laid out thoughts. Am I just a guy that likes to agree with things? I don't know if I like that. I am pretty stubborn and opinionated also, but I've learned to keep it to myself. I also know that a lot of my thoughts are stupid and not worth revealing. My friend says I'm a person who is content, but he makes it sound like I'm an idiot. He, on the other hand, is someone who considers himself a "skeptic". He is prone to suicidal thoughts thinks that most things that aren't exactly according to his perspective as "stupid" and I don't see it as stupid, just different from another individual's perspective. But that's the math in me. I also think he is significantly smarter than me by the sheer fact that his strongest desire is to be an intellectual. On the other hand, my strongest desire is to be an entertainer: a teller of stories people think are good; I like to play piano for people. You know, I really like that as a fundamental thing about me. I often think I would naturally have been an artist if not for pressures to be successful which led me to math/science and career oriented stuff, which most people would say I'm pretty successful with. How do I know where I stand?

But I read that thing above, and it sounds like the exact thing I would say, but I can't tell if that's because I like to agree with people, or if that's something that's true for me...or true universally?

[cousinbasil]

Welcome,TheEntertainer. I always try to find ways to agree, personally. This works best for me, because when I fail to agree, I will then know why.

[TheEntertainer]

Thanks cousinbasil. I'm going to need help with this stuff. I was raised a Christian, and moved from orthodox to Protestant Reformed because of the academic attraction mainly. But all of that has been challenged now, which is why I'm reading Kierkegaard. Everything he is saying is resonating very powerfully with me. But there's also a fear in me. I know intellectually that I shouldn't be scared of anything, nothing has really changed recently or anything, but there is a fear. But it all makes sense, not logically or anything, just to me it makes sense. Part of my fear is that I'm allowing myself to ask questions that were forbidden before.

If this stuff is the real truth, what does that mean for me?
Do I start living "in the moment" and lose my unreasonable paranoia about things in general? Do I do the thing where I let go of all my worldly possessions and live life reactively? I can do that, I have that in me. I even find it comforting, if not for this lingering fear which I know is foolish.

Or do I still live my normal life, but shut out all the things that are not meaningful to me, which is most of it, and just focus on the few things that I love? I love to play piano, I wouldn't mind just doing that until the end. I like that also, but would that be just living in lust? Is it foolish to devote my energies to a wordly thing like that, when I know that it's as meaningless as everything else?

I'm not sure what to do, yet I feel like a change is inevitable. I can't forget this stuff, it's powerful. I'm considered a relatively successful individual, but whenever I look around or think, there's always more that I want. I'm very good at agreeing with people, that's why my friends see me as content. But is that good, or is that delusional? I can agree with both sides of most things. I feel true sympathy for the criminal AND the victim. But I don't know if I do that just as some kind of defense mechanism to survive.

How do I know if something is good? How do I know if something is true?